DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
