if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
