Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
