Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Randomize
