They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
