So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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