Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
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