If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
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