My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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