Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
