my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
