I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
