I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
