apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
