You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
