I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize