Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
