just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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