There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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