Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Randomize