His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
