So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
