btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
