I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
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