Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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