Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
