he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
this will be a night to untag.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
