I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize