my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Four minutes until I can fart!
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
If I die, sorry about rent.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
