My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I wish there were birth control emojis
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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