Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
