i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
