the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
