Ambien. No doubt about it.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
