Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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