Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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