Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
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