he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Randomize