i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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