I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
