I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
