I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
