so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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