we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
