I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
