i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
