You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
