Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
