I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
