I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize