OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
