Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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