You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
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