Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize