Just took my morning after pill in the library
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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