This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
